After all the things we've been through, I miss everything about you.

Colbie Caillat- 'I never told you' started playing as I write this post.

As I write this post, tears are literally streaming down my face. No matter how much this hurts, I have to get this weight off my soul. I know most of you have read many bad things about S on my blog, but that's only because I am still very, very hurt. With all the love in this world is how much I loved her, more than I loved myself, and I still do. The only way for me to cope with this terrible pain is by lashing out against her character, rather she reads my little space or not, I just need to release myself from all of the pain. Feeling abandoned for reasons beyond you is a terrible feeling I wouldn't wish on anyone.

It all started during the Oscars of 2011. The house was spotless because I had been cleaning the entire day in preparation for her arrival for our annual "lets watch the Oscars together" shindig. I can't even describe the feeling I get when I know she is almost right next to me instead of all the way across town. We went through the entire day laughing and guessing who would win what Oscar. Then as night time fell and our usual just cuddle session began S had this look on her face. You know the look you would give someone when you know their in trouble but you just can't save them? It was something like that. So I ask S "Is there something wrong?". "No" she says, with the look washing over her angelic face even more than before I asked her. Then finally, "Yes, since you can see it. What are we?" S says. I inhale deeply and six years of friendship and love wash into my lungs and I say "I want you to be my girl, forever".

I have never seen S after being told someone near and dear to her has passed away, but that's what I figure her expression would be. She then turns her head gently from my hand as it laid across her cheek and said, "I am in love with you but I just can't be seen as (hesitation) gay". My heart hit the ground with what feels like the force of what feels like my entire body falling from the sky and slamming against the pavement. All I could do was try my hardest to breathe and gather my strength enough to help my legs carry me to the bathroom. I didn't know if I was going to vomit or scream from all the pain rushing through me. I've heard the metaphor "heart broken" repeated a thousand times in my 22 years of living. Never have I ever thought it was an actual feeling. Ripping her heart out seemed like the only cure to stop the burning inside of my chest.

All I can remember after that was the tears flowing down her face. She started to ask if she should take a cab home. I was so hurt I remember saying leave in the morning and how weak she was that others even mattered. I started to compare both of us saying how strong I have been for the both of us and she couldn't do that for me. That's where all of my biggest mistakes began. Letting her walk away started here. Anger just took over me, making her feel guilty and alone for days, weeks, maybe months I really can't remember. Thinking before I leap is not one of my strong points. Too bad in mere months we had to spend months together in an apartment in LA for our semester we were both taking through our school. We met one time before then, I recall. S looked at me with her huge eyes glistening and asks, "Is it gonna be like this in LA?".  [Insert foot in my mouth with a mean comeback] hoping I hurt her, I left the bank after we processed a check for our place for the semester.

Fast forward to the airport, we sat in different seats on the plane because I got on first. (S actually contacted me over the spring to see what was going to happen with arrangements but I blew her off again being the jerk my mother spent so much time raising *sarcasm*) We finally board the plane, sat in different seats, no words at all.  Finally land in LA and I jump into a different cab, I just couldn't face her. Seeing that I'm not new to Cali I stop downtown and take a Skype interview I had for an internship back home in Chicago. She calls to ask where I am and I once again blow her off and text my location. I finally make it to our place and it was total silence. Here face pierced my heart all day, but not in a bad way. It showed me just how stupid I was for letting her slip right through my fingers. Everything in my head was what I should've said that night I felt broken. I should've told her it's okay if she's not ready to be whatever it was she didn't want to be, I just wanted her apart of my life. Me being the awesome person I am, still sat up all day and said nothing.

Finally it was time for bed. Sleeping has always been just a haze or morning, night and repeat for me. If im visiting someplace I wake up extremely confused about where I am. That night I had an outrageous night terror that my own father had a gun to my head after killing my entire family, I will never forget that. Frozen not being able to move I started to cry out of fear that I was going to feel the gunshot. Leaping up and grabbing S, embracing her in a hug when I realized she was there, I cried and spilled how sorry I was. We talked for a long time and I gave it all up, I loved her and couldn't hurt her anymore. The end of the trip comes and I throw a big party at our place because everyone is leaving, others from  the program stayed for work. All I can remember next is me yelling at S across the party, because she brought some random guy who wasn't really random. He was into my good friend J but had been exploring the city with S all day. Random guy could care less about S or I seeing as he was trying to keep J's attention who was not interested at all but she likes to be polite. The next day she boards a plane home...I did nothing but help her with her bags and hope she would open up a dialog so I could apologize. That never happened and we didn't speak for months.

Fast forward to school starting back in September and I finally ask for a meeting. Out of pure shame of my behavior I tell her I want nothing from her but to meet and apologize. S agreed and I awkwardly reach for her hand during our meeting, she jerks. I forgot everything bad that happened once I seen her, she looked good given all we've been through, sort of unchanged. Later I thank her for the closure, knowing damn well I wanted nothing but her and I to patch things up. S let me know that I was more than welcomed for the closure and my heart fell but didn't sink. During the summer I lost my iPhone in a taxi,  I usually go mad and my stomach knots after when im in trouble. My stomach and heart stayed stable, they both fell but didn't sink. I got my iPhone back after leaving the hospital for bloody vomit (sorry tmi). Well I though these were signs that I could fix everything, I could go back and bring S home, home was her and I as friends. After talking to her on the phone I broke. I let go of all my pain and hurt, I gave it all up to her in that moment. In short S let me know that there is no more love left in her heart for me. She told me no matter what we would always be on two different levels. I would always be in love with her and she would always have to break my heart. No reasoning at all she refused to come back after analyzing how our relationship was forcing her to "hide her true self" (bs in my book but okay).

Now im sitting her two days later  just existing, angry, hurt sore but still alive after facing my hell. Fighting for us and against us was all I ever done. I hope she finds peace with herself one day and loves herself the way she is. If she reads this I want her to know there is nothing at all wrong with who she is, who she loves, and whatever she wants to do with her life. I hope she lets go of her real ball and chain and sees the world without me, reaches all of her goals and looks back to say "Hi" to me one day in the future.

PS

I though I was down and out, feeling like I had to die and nothing good would ever happen again. Then an LA number appears on my iPhone screen. I answer and hear an unfamiliar woman say my name. "I got your resume and was wondering if you wanted to come interview with DREAM COMPANY LA!!!"

Chapter 2 starts now! Come December after graduation I will officially be a California Girl!!!!!!!

Love,

Kira xoxo